Shadowing the Stars

Being the most respected publication in the world of pool, Q-Tip Magazine has previously unheard of access to all the game's biggest stars. In this regular feature of the magazine, we spend a day with a superstar, following him as he prepares for his match, travels, and eats. We are even there to get the final reaction after the match is over. In this issue, we shadow 'Classy' Martin Kirkley on the day of his Intercontinental Title defence against Phil Pearce at BackClash.

10:24am. Outside Martin Kirkley's modest 3 bedroom home in Sinfin. I've knocked twice, but there's no answer. Time to call his mobile.

MK: Shit, sorry, guys. I forgot all about it. I'm at Jagjit Dusanjh's place. He always throws the best pay-per-view eve parties. Well, second best, but the Dream Team won't let me into theirs. Anyway, last night was quite the evening- white wine on tap, a few friendly games of Scrabble. All we had to do was keep the noise down so his parents didn't find out.

Anyway, I must have overdone it on the wine, because I can't remember a thing after challenging one of Jag's dodgy Indian words. Funnily enough, right now my stomach is challenging one of Jag's dodgy Indian curries. Not the best preparation for a big match, but you live and learn.

11:49am. The basement of Martin's home, converted into a practice room, where the Classy one tells us about the importance of tonight's match, between running to the bathroom.

Tonight is big. It's big for me, and big for the company. The main event is a triple threat for the world title, but I like to think of my match as being equally as big. Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit again...

(10 minutes later) Sorry about that. When Jagjit makes a curry, you know about it! Anyway, yes, my match tonight. This is about revenge for me, plain and simple. You see, I brought Phil Pearce into this company, but just like Andy Appleby before him, he turned his back on me. If he wanted a title shot, he only had to ask. There was no need for him to chalk me up and use me as a cue. I've been used as a cue by better players than you, Pearce. Remember that!

1pm. The local drycleaners, picking up Martin's suit as he tells us how and why he became 'Classy'.

I've been a Butcher all my life. My father was a butcher, and my father's father was a butcher. I took that mindset into the pool business and it served me well. But then the fans turned against me. They turned sour on my butchering ways, so I decided that I needed something new to win them over. Then, one day, while walking down the street, I found an old suit in a bin. It was a bit dirty, and I had to get my mum to sew some extra material onto the legs, y'know? But I liked the way it looked. I realised that if a suit and tie wouldn't get the fans back on the Kirklemania bandwagon, nothing would.

2.10pm. Shipley's Arena. Martin drops off his outfit, and takes in the arena.

I've played here many times of course. Won a fair few matches here too. Just think, in about five hours there'll be ten thousand plus in here to see me beat Phil Pearce. There's old Sally, one of the arena managers. A few of the boys have done her. Get's a little rowdy, y'know? Me? That would be telling.

(spying Dan Clearup, Steve White and Fat on the practise tables) There's Dan Clearup, Steve White and Fat, on the pracise tables. I've taken Clearup under my wing a little bit actually. He's a good player. Fat's nothing without Gos Ant as a mouthpiece. Have you ever tried talking to him? Gibberish.

3.03pm. The nearby Acropolis restaurant, where many of the players eat prior to the events. We are joined by Simon Turner of the Great Grebs, as Martin tells us about his past doubles teams.

I've been burnt in the past, yeah. Appleby, then Pearce. I've learnt that if you want anything out of this game, you have to go it alone. Simon, you've been in a doubles team all your career, but mark my words, they all end the same way. With Appleby I blame myself. He was a loose cannon ever since I first met him. Would drink himself into a stupor every night, wake up next to some godawful mess. I thought that pool might set him on the straight and narrow, but it went the other way. Dream Team, I hate you guys more than life itself, but let me give you a friendly warning- Appleby will screw you over too in the end. It's what he does. As for Pearce, I just never saw it coming. He was a solid guy, always by your side. Somebody must have got to him. Tonight's gonna hurt, beating him. I've got to make an example of him though. I'm nobody's stepping stone to greatness.

ST: I'm backing Kirkley, of course. Kirkley stands for what's right in this game of kings. I must admit though, I had a little flutter on Pearce, just to hedge my bets. What? I've got a family to raise.

7:57pm. Shipley's Arena. Backstage with Martin as he awaits his match, up next. Jagjit Dusanjh has just won a Fatal Fourway match, and is now cutting a promo on the stage.

Listen to that man. The whole audience in the palm of his hand, English and Punjabi. There's no promo man like him. That's good. He's leaving the crowd hot for me, warming them up. They were dead for the match. That's what you get when you follow Jag. Have to hope he gets on the mic after his match, otherwise half the crowd are looking at their watches.

I've got a few nerves. It's natural. I've been there before though. Two-time champion. I've played for the world championship on pay-per-view, played all the big stars. Pearce has got nothing. He's got to be bricking it. Look for me to win this one something like 5-2. It definitely won't go closer than 5-3, I've just got too much experience, too much in my locker.

(Jagjit passes by with a wink)

JD: Hear those fans now, Mr Kirkley? You owe me a magnum, my friend.

MK: Sling your hook. I'm still coughing up that tikka masala.

(Kirkley's music starts playing, and the MC announces his name)

Show time.

8:39pm. Backstage at Shipley's Arena. All is quiet, except for the faint sounds of celebration coming from a nearby locker-room. Phil Pearce kept his nerve to pot a black down the rails to seal a 5-4 victory, and become the new Intercontinental Champion.

I'm speechless. It hurts. I don't know what happened, I just couldn't get going. The fans played a part. I expected much more support. What was it? About 50-50? Didn't expect that. And who was that woman in Pearce's corner? It puts you off, something like that. I should have been informed. The company owes me that much. Maybe it was a stitch-up, I don't know. It's happened before. This has changed me, I know that. It's time for something different. It's time for me to rebel. From this moment on, Martin Kirkley will take no shit.

Martin Kirkley requested that we leave at that point, as he gently rocked back and forth in his locker-room. It was certainly an illuminating day, and I thank Martin for his time, and candor. Maybe he has a point about being stitched up. What we know for certain is that we have a new Intercontinental Champion, and that Kirkley may face a rocky road back to that championship.

Until next time, farewell.

Q-Tip Magazine's Pool Hall of Fame (3)

Through the annals of time the green baize of the pool table has acted as a battle ground as warriors young and old have locked both cues and wits in combat. We at Q-Tip magazine, pool's number one periodical, are proud to announce that we are inaugurating the official Pool Hall of Fame, which will see those great warriors remembered and honoured for their achievements.

These inductees will be selected on a number of criteria, ranging from their on-table success, to their impact on the sport, and taking into account each aspect of what makes a great pool player.A new inductee will be announced every few weeks, along with a brief biography of their career, and an abridged version of the induction.

The third inductee into the Pool Hall of Fame is quite simply the most famous pool player on the planet. This is a man who truly transcended the pool world, and ushered a new era of entertainment and celebrity into the game. A brilliant tactician who was capable of anything and everything on the table, he was a trendsetter both in the way he played pool, and the way he lived his life, and because of this he is more than deserving of a place in the Q-Tip Magazine Pool Hall of Fame.

The third inductee into the Q-Tip Pool Hall of Fame is The Dreamaster, Darren Hibbert.

Darren Hibbert was a prodigious talent who came to the game relatively late. He first picked up a cue at the age of 16, and realised that he was probably the best player in the world. Whilst racking up exhibition tournament wins in his hometown of Derby, Hibbert met another young star, Adam Russell. Russell and Hibbert soon formed a keen friendship, based around their incredible talents, and thirst for power and glory. It wasn't long before they came to the attention of pool promoter Nick Billinge, who signed the duo to lucrative contracts, giving Hibbert and Russell ridiculous wealth. You would think that Hibbert would have been grateful to Billinge, but the opposite was true. Cast as clean cut good guys, Hibbert sensationally broke character on live TV, after he and Russell had defeated the Fabulous Sanghera Brothers. Hibbert claimed that he and Russell were going to take over, not only the world of pool, but the world of entertainment, and that all the fans would either love it, or suffer dire consequences. Things took a turn for the worse when Billinge sent a crewman onto the stage to remove Hibbert, but that crewman was instead greeted by Hibbert's spit in his eye. Thus the Dream Team were formed.

Hibbert was fined a month's earnings, but in reality, Billinge should have given him a payrise as interest in pool skyrocketed, with Hibbert and Russell centre-stage. The Dream Team soon added more members to their ranks; close friend Phil Wallis, and foul-mouthed maverick Andy Appleby, and Hibbert's prediction of world domination came to fruition. Russell and Hibbert traded the world title back and forth, including a match that was viewed by 20 million people on the BBC, and dominated the doubles division, and before long they were the men that everybody loved to hate.

Of course, where Hibbert went, controversy was sure to follow. In May 1998, The Sun newspaper broke the story that Anthea Turner was expecting Hibbert's lovechild. Hibbert staunchly denied the allegations, but the media circus that ensued cost him his relationship with female pool player, Jessica Bates. Worse was to follow though. When John Lennon claimed that The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, it caused worldwide controversy. When Darren Hibbert claimed that he WAS Jesus, everbody accepted it as fact. Or so it seemed. On March 13th 1999, an unknown assassin, hired by Right-wing religious group, Death To Hibbert, fired six shots from an automatic rifle through the bay windows of Hibbert's Derbyshire mansion. The first five shots missed, but the sixth pierced through the shoulder of Hibbert's cueing arm, coming out the other side into the face of a local call girl, Jasmine Jones. Jones died in the near thirty-five minute wait for the ambulance to arrive, but more tragically, Hibbert missed six weeks of pool.

Darren Hibbert did as he always did- he bounced back, and continued to build upon his legacy as one of the finest players ever to wield a cue. He has forged a successful career in the world of film and television, and is a regular on the the after-dinner speakers circuit.

Darren Hibbert, inducted into the Hall of Fame by Adam Russell.

AR: Today we honour a man who is not only my best friend, but is someone who has taught me so much about pool, and about life. When I first met this man, my only pleasure in life was the humiliation of others, my only drug was the tears of my defeated opponents. He introduced me to the dizzying highs of fame; he was the dealer who fed my addiction to insulting people on the grandest stage. I'll never forget the day he said to me 'Adam, zip your trousers up. These half dozen people aren't worth it. Stick with me and you'll be exposing yourself in front of millions'. You all know what happened from there. And even though, in my heart of hearts, I know that I'm a better pool player than he is, I accept that I wouldn't be where I am today without him. His saliva was my vehicle to the top. He was an artist on the table, to be compared with Picasso, Van Gogh, and the others. People often stop me in the streets and ask me 'why was he such a boring pool player?', and I answer them with this; 'you wouldn't want to sit and watch Van Gogh painting one of his pictures, but you'll damn sure pay money to see it hanging in a museum'. The same is true of this man. I've been this man's friend through the ups, and through the downs, which is why I'm so very proud to say that the newest inductee into the pool Hall of Fame, is The Dreamaster, Darren Hibbert.

DH: Thank you, Adam. I'm tempted to say 'about time', but that would suggest that Q-Tip magazine is more than just a rag publication. This is the same magazine whose editor testified in court against me during my lawsuit with Pot Racism Out Of Pool. This is the same magazine that printed photos of Anthea Turner's bastard son in a Dreamaster Halloween costume. Adam, you should be in this hall of fame, and it's a little embarrassing for me accepting this honour, knowing that you're not. Look at this crowd of people. Where's Andy Appleby? Stand up you twat. (Appleby stands up in the crowd). Get up here. You should be on this stage with me. This is a man who changed our industry (Appleby climbs onto the stage). Thank you, Andy. Now that I'm semi-retired from pool, these moments mean all the more to me. I can make more money in one night on the after-dinner circuit than most of you lot made in your whole careers, but still, seeing you all here, putting your jealousy and hatred aside, to honour me, that's something you can't buy. Where's Martin Kirkley? Kirkley? Not here? Okay, where's Steve White? Steve, you're a good sport. You're what our industry is all about. All of you here tonight, you know why I'm standing here. This magazine, if this was ten years ago, I'd be DX-ing in your faces. You have a responsibility to tell the fans the truth, about how I'm the only man to be world champion, King of the Table, and a Thy Royale Rumble winner. Instead you focus on the negatives. We here, the players, make the news, and you report it, and just remember that. This industry would be nowhere without me, without Adam, and then where would you all be? Thank you, thank you all.

What the stars say:

Phil Wallis: Darren is a legend, no doubt about it. The four of us (The Dream Team) were living the lives of kings. Darren could walk into a pub anywhere in the country, get the place cleared out, open bar, Queen on the jukebox, barmaid's knickers round their ankles. All with a nod. A prince of a man.

Steve White: The blacking up thing wasn't something I was told about. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't want to get the courts involved. Darren came up to me after the show and he said, 'Steve, that performance will put food on your children's table for the rest of their lives'. You know what? Tonight I'm taking the family out to KFC, and yes, Darren is paying.

Adam Russell: I'm not surprised that Darren took this moment to get some things off his chest. That's just the way he is. He airs his grievances in public. But let's not let that take away from what this is all about. Darren is the best thing to ever happen to the game of pool, and he deserves to be told that by his peers, and his lessers.

Andy Appleby: The best slow roller of the ball ever. You'd think you had him safe, then he'd lay a fucking snooker that made you rub your eyes in disbelief. Patience. Never seen a man with so much patience on the table and so little off it. And he could pot like a motherfucker.

Nick Billinge: Darren was a man who on the one hand, was directly responsible for my stroke, but on the other hand, he made me so much money, you just wouldn't believe it. We made each other a lot of money really. You hear about what a bastard the guy is, but when the news broke about the stroke, he was one of the first people to call me. We've buried the hatchet now. Life's too short.

Leann Finney: Living with Darren isn't always easy, but it's never dull. I've been in court seven times since we met, twice in different countries. I've been on the front page of every national newspaper, been on every talk show. Please, just give me some peace.

Martin Kirkley: I thought it would have been hypocritical of me to be there. I can't deny one thing though- he was good at pool.

Darren Hibbert: It's been an eye-opener of an evening. So many memories. It's been a long time since I've seen some of these faces, Dusanjh, McFarlane. I have to say that each and every one of them has given me something over the years, they've all contributed to this wonderful journey I've been on. It was nice to see Barry Sanghera, and of course, I know Harry was looking down on me from Heaven. They were there at the start. They don't make 'em like that anymore. Now, I've earnt the right to relax. I've done it all. But you haven't seen the last of the name Hibbert in the pool world. I've got two lads who are already picking up the basics. They're going to be something special. Then there's Anthea's lad, just in case things don't work out. Who knows, maybe the DTB will be back for one last big run. Wouldn't that be something special?

There will be a new inductee shortly.